5 Tips for Setting Boundaries Without Having An Anxiety Attack or Throwing Up
Image: Beto Galetto
Raise your hand if you feel like setting better boundaries is something you should be doing but don’t know how to approach.👋🏾
Oh hey! Hi. Welcome to the club. I’ve totally been there. The idea of setting boundaries used to fill me with such dread I literally felt like I was going to pass out or throw up.
Learning to set better boundaries has provided a major boost to my happiness and mental health, especially over the past year.
It’s easy to see why boundaries have become a trendy topic during the pandemic: Many of us are spending A LOT of time at home with roommates and family members, trying to find the elusive balance between togetherness and alone time.
Add to that the brave new world of working from home with its plethora of exciting Zoom meetings and scintillating Slack messages.
Or the fun of dealing with maskholes and stressed-out customers in a retail or service job.
There have been a shit ton of boundaries to navigate over the past year.
So if you feel like your boundaries are starting to get a little threadbare, or if you are feeling exhausted and run-down from not knowing how to set boundaries in a way that feels good, I thought I’d share a few tips to help you though the end of this pandemic (and hopefully beyond):
#1 Boundaries Are All About YOU and Your Limits
They are a form of protecting you and your energy. Boundaries are not about ordering other people around or dictating their behavior. Keep the focus on you and finding ways to make yourself feel good and you’ll be off to a good start.
#2 You Have To Know Your Boundaries To Set Them
Since boundaries start with you, spend some time getting clear on what your limits actually are. Set aside some time to make a list of places your boundaries are being pushed or violated. If you’re unsure where to start, feelings of anger or resentment are often pretty good indicators.
#3 A Little Compassion Goes a Long Way
Remember that the people pushing up on your boundaries usually aren’t assholes. Most of the time, they are not actively trying to piss you off or take more than you can give. They are probably just equally stressed-out human beings trying to do the best they can with what they know.
Your boss might be an extrovert who gets energy from interacting with people all day long on Zoom. Your mom might be asking you about your relationship status every time you talk because she was taught being in a romantic relationship is necessary for security and happiness.
Remembering this helps me protect my boundaries with compassion and love for others.
*Important note: this does not apply to abusive relationships. If someone is physically or emotionally harming you, please seek help to safely leave the relationship.
#4 Start With Low-Hanging Fruit
When I was first exploring setting better boundaries, I started with setting HUGE boundaries in a way that both made me feel extremely uncomfortable and felt more like an impenetrable wall than a door I could open and close at will.
Learn from my mistakes, friends. Start with teeny, tiny little boundaries that will not leave you feeling like you want to throw up. Don’t answer the phone when that annoying person calls you. Stop replying to emails the minute they arrive in your inbox. Take a single hour to yourself on a Sunday afternoon to do whatever the fuck you want. Start small and build on your successes.
#5 Go Easy on Yourself
Learning to set boundaries is a skill most of us were never taught. It takes time and practice to be able to set boundaries that feel good without feeling guilty or anxious. With intention and practice, you’ll be able to comfortably set boundaries that keep you feeling good.
If you want some help understanding what boundaries are and aren’t and some tips on how to set boundaries without falling into a pit of anxiety and stress, check out our latest podcast episode where I talk with boundaries expert, Phuong Thao Nguyen Macleod about listening to the wisdom of your body and how to make setting boundaries more approachable.
Give it a listen and let me know what you think!
XO,
Olaiya
If you want to learn how to take up more space, love yourself more, show up as your authentic self and grow your confidence, get on the waitlist for my Live Fierce Workshop! There are only 12 spots available for this intimate, 6-week group experience. Our workshops usually sell out pretty quickly so if you need this in your life, click here and get on the list.
XO,
Olaiya
