Setting Boundaries When People Make You Feel Less-Than
Image: Olaiya Land
In last week’s newsletter I shared some ways to clean up your online environment and follow folks who make you feel good about yourself.
Today I want to talk about creating a healthy IRL environment!
Just like IG ads for diet tea and bikinis modeled on women with bizarrely flat abs can make you feel less-than, listening to your friends obsess about how they’re “crushing keto” can do a number on your self-esteem.
So what do you do when your aunt Louise tells you once again that: you’d be so pretty if you just lost a little weight!
It’s time to set some boundaries, fam!
Boundaries can feel scary if you’re not used to setting them.
But a healthy boundary is not an impenetrable wall meant to keep people out.
A healthy boundary is more like the door to your house or room—it’s meant to keep you safe and protect your privacy. Not to punish or blame.
Most importantly, you get to open and close the door whenever and to whomever you want.
And you can do it with grace and ease (after a little practice).
Left image: Adam Kring. Right image: Markus Spiske.
Ok, let’s get into the specifics:
Many people are fully bought into unhealthy beauty standards without even realizing it.
This can look like:
Constantly wanting to talk about or bond over diets, workout routines, the latest “anti-aging” products
Casually critiquing people’s bodies (including their own)
Praising you primarily for your appearance. Think: OMG you look amaaaaaazing!!!! Did you lose weight???
Obsessing over or carefully monitoring what people (including themselves) eat
It’s important to note that most people who engage in these behaviors are not trying to do harm.
The opposite is actually true. People who say and do these things often believe that looking a certain way is the key to finding: love, happiness, a good job or a mate. That’s been the societal script for a long time.
Family members who patrol your appearance are often guilty of this. They learned that success and fulfillment look a certain way—and because they love you, they want to “help” you achieve success.
Of course there are people who are jealous or petty and trying to make you feel bad in order to make themselves feel bigger. We’re going to get into how to deal with frenemies, enemies and troll in a minute.
But first, let’s go over what to do when someone’s words or actions lead you to feel bad about yourself:
#1: Get centered & decide what you need to feel better
You don’t have to react in the moment. In fact, it’s often best to take some time before responding to cool down and think about what action you’d like to take. Especially if you’re feeling really triggered.
#2 Take note of what’s bothering you
Get into a space where you are not feeling angry or reactive, if possible. (A few deep breaths is always the power move when you feel upset or off balance.)
See if you can home in on what’s bothering you and what is and isn’t ok with you.
#3 Express your needs
When you’re ready, express your needs calmly and directly using I-statments.
Critiquing someone’s behavior, yelling or getting angry (even when they’re doing something inappropriate) often triggers defensiveness and can create more conflict. So try to get centered, clear and calm before you respond.
I know figuring out what to say can be tricky when you’re new to setting boundaries. So here are some scripts (tested IRL by yours truly) you can use to respond when someone is pushing your boundaries:
Example 1: When your sister is commenting on what or how much you’re eating.
I know you’re trying to help [this part is optional—you never need to explain why you’re setting a boundary], but what I eat is my business. Please stop commenting on what I choose to eat.
Example 2: When your friend wants to talk about their latest diet or fitness routine all the time.
I’m trying to grow my self-love and acceptance. Talking about weight loss and diets is triggering to me. Let’s talk about something else.
Example 3: When your roommate is obsessed with her 20-step anti-agin skin care routine and wants to help you “fix” your skin.
I’m glad that caring for you skin makes you feel good. I’m happy with my skin how it is. Let’s plan our upcoming trip instead!
Feel free to change the wording, tone, etc. to fit your communication style. Just remember to stay calm, firm and focused on how you feel as much as possible.
Ok, what about petty people, frenemies and trolls?
For frenemies and those petty-ass people we all have clinging on: My strong advice here is to figure out if these are people you want in your life? Ask yourself why you are continuing to be in contact with them and if it might make you feel better to spend time around people who have your back and respect your boundaries.
Then give yourself permission to stop creating space for them in your life. You can communicate this to them or not. Your time and space are your own and you don’t owe people who try to tear you down anything.
For online trolls: Delete. Block. Report. No need to respond. Your online space is yours to curate how you like and you don’t need to suffer fools in the name of politeness.
Image: @cogey via Instagram
Setting healthy boundaries is a broad subject and it takes time and practice to get good at it. For more info on learning how to set boundaries peacefully, here are a few resources for you.
- Here’s a piece from the journal and a Lionesse podcast episode on setting boundaries.
- My friend Phuong Thao is a coach and boundaries expert. Follow her on Instagram and check out one of her group programs or 1:1 coaching.
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawab was an incredibly helpful resource for me as I learned to set boundaries.
- Same goes for How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicle Pera.
I hope this mini-guide to setting boundaries was helpful! Drop a comment below and let me know how this lands for you.
XO,
Olaiya❤️
